Good/Bad/Indifferent/ Emotional

Without a doubt this has to go down as a time in my/our life that is challenging an emotional time. Seasons.... right well, this has been a long season and looking forward to the change of seasons. I blog because I want to come back and read and learn from what we have gone through. I know that I know that God has a plan, a reason, a goal behind every step that we take, but not knowing ahead is the Hardest part.(Especially for control freak's like me). Also I hope that maybe our story might in someway help someone else going through seasons, as I have learned so much from friends and family.
So court wrapped up yesterday, court specifically for placement for our sweet Lavender. We were called into fostering, helping babies, we were called to adopt, and that in itself seems like the easy part, boy we were wrong.I know, I know God never promised easy... but how hard is it to lavish love on sweet Innocent children? Well the world we live in makes it extremely hard, if it was easy we probably wouldn't have the crisis we have with not enough foster homes not enough adoptive homes especially for the teenagers aging out of the system. The one thing that sticks out in my head from court yesterday well there is a lot; but what I want to share is, both sides agreeing to how lucky and fortunate Lavender is to have two families wanting to raise her as our own and love her. Shouldn't that be the biggest problem society has to many parents not enough children to love on? It just so happens this is our situation, but not the normal in the DHS world. One other point that is very hard for me to not hear ringing in my head over and over is the expert witness testifying on behalf of Lavender and how these kinds of bonds that get broken can affect her negatively for the rest of her life, hearing how she will for sure go through a depression, feeling abandonment and loss of her primary caregiver and her bonds with her siblings. She will most likely start with protesting crying and not eating and sleeping when she cries and I do not come to her, time and time again she will eventually give up and that is when the depression will start. That is when her loss of trust will begin, some more, some less depending on the child/ environment but at her age will for sure go through this in some form, if removed from our home. As a mother this brings me to tears time and time again how can this be in the best interest of her, this exact situation I know there are times like when birth parents get it together or a very close family tie takes the child but not this situation! So now we wait... The judge has said he will have his decision by end of next week, this is because of Lawyers wanting to submit factual findings of the case and all the testimony, since judge made known he would base his decision on the facts of the case. So Lawyers had till this Friday to submit those and then Judge will have the following week.
Came home from court to a child, our son breathing horribly and obviously in distress. Randy had CPA to teach so, I loaded up kids and headed to Mercy after hours. The doctor said, I don't think this breathing treatment is going to do it, you are going to have to head to the ER. Got to the ER and after 2 more breathing treatments and steroids the doctor said if he doesn't improve a lot soon, we will transfer him down to children's. Lots of prayer thank you everyone and after another breathing treatment his breathing started to get much better. By 9:30 we were heading home but stopped at the pharmacy drive through where Aaron started to vomit all over my car, I was able to pull him out where he finished in the drive thru at Walgreen's, Huge smile on his face with chunks all over it he proclaimed, "Mommy I feel better now!" oh good honey, I'm so glad were my words.
Got home safe and sound with a stinky car, shoes and clothes but home, yay!!!!
I had barely made it inside when my 16 year old says,"mom I'm missing a pair of my jeans where are they."! Baby is screaming because mommy had not put her to bed. Okay head on straight went upstairs rocked her to sleep, while my dear husband got Aaron into the bath. That was it pretty much, I felt the prayers as I had a really good night of sleep, Mr. Aaron slept on the floor next to my bed, and Miss L only woke once I just put her passy back in her mouth and zzzzzzzzzzzzzz! Thank you God
As I stated on Face book I'm so thank full that no matter what happens each day, tomorrow is a new day and we get to start fresh again!

I'm going to end this post with a journal entry from three nights ago, because it's 1:00 and I really should take a shower and get dressed before the baby's awake from nap.

Human weakness, cannot explain it any better then those two words. I'm so... I feel so weak, so overwhelmed, God I need you to carry me now. I no longer feel physically strong enought to push through another day. Only by your Grace I know your Grace will help me through. Thank you God for my faith without it now I would feel so alone. Daddy I need you now reveal yourself in mighty ways remind me your will, will be done. So I'm taking another step. goodnight.

But He knows the way I take; when he has tried me, I shall come forth as gold. Job 23:10

Court today

Court today I'm completely drained emotionally. other then the announcements and saying we were present that was the only time we were in the court room. Our Lawyer and the stand in Lawyer for L's conferences with ADA and DHS in back room. L's Lawyer couldn't be there so ask for a fill in to go and say what she felt was in the best interest of L was to remain in our home. Then DHS or ADA accused fill in of coming and lying and said that her Lawyer said that if this last guy wasn't dad, then she would not contest anything, I was there she didn't say that, she said that if this last guy isn't dad then were finished testing fathers and she will agree on termination on all dads. Short of it is, L's atty coming to the reshuffled hearing of Oct 8 and the fill in said there will be fireworks going off because they are now accusing a lawyer who donates her time to protect the best interest of children in custody, of setting this whole thing up a purposefully dragging it out so we could adopt L. We do not have any relationship with this Lawyer she told us she was not on any side only the best interest of L, I really can't believe that DHS is doing this. DHS supervisor actually pulled L's normal worker from case she was not at court today"supposedly" had an emergency hearing downtown. All this to protect DHS policy of placing with family even though this person is a by marriage relative.Today I received an email from a cousin who has siblings stating she isn't on any ones side either and can understand both sides just hopes to remain a part of L's life, well of course that is a huge plan for me as well but DHS case is that this by marriage relative has a relationship with this cousin. Obviously by this email we also have a relationship and both want to have the kids connected so the difference is Oklahoma where they have many family members and visit every summer from GA, or Florida and GA.We had a great visit in July and got to know each other. Anyways crazy praying for word from God and to stay in his will and seek prayer for every thing we do.

Continued Prayers

Sorry if my typing is bad, my whole body feels so jelloish, as I have been shaking all morning. I was prepared for a hearing tommrow. As life happend I got a call at 9:20 from L's worker saying hearing had been changed to today at 9, oh my gosh I was in my jammies I said hold them we will be there. Called Randy through on my suit slicked my hair back and hit the road for the court hearing. So many detailsI can't explain it all long very long morning after deliberating in the hall with DHS supervisor because she was talking about us as if we were not there opps.. there we sat I intervened in her conversation and said excuse me since we are the foster parents you are talking about might I join your conversation, words were exchanged, judge called us in asked if we all wanted conference before went on record we all agreed when in room and discussed matters for an hour did not reach a agreemnent so Judge and DA and atty's set hearing date for the 20th we will be getting our own lawywer, and bringing in wittness's, ect. There is still case of a dad who has been tested but results not in yet..... A really good friend told me when I asked her, how do I stay in Gods Wil on this matter how do I know what I'm doing is from our God and she told me this, you fight the fight you fight as best and as hard as you know how and then when Gods Will happens you will know you did everything you could and it is and always be in Gods hands, thank you "Alethea".. Can you believe supervisor told me she is not working on emotions like me but policy it's black and white, I told her that there is much more then policy regarding the best interest of a child, you have to have emotion, love, and well being to beable to love and know whats best for a child and maybe DHS poliucy needs a bit more of that! Please pray as we walk in Faith, I'm going to try to put this song on here by Kutless it came on on my way to court it is amazing, "What Faith Can Do"

Prayers Please....

As a family, yes "Randy" too(the most important part head and leader of our home) we have decided to fight. We are going to do everything in our will to beable to raise our sweet baby girl. Mom has relinquished as of last week and a hearing had been set this Wed. to discuss permancey. You see their is us, who birthmom made known to atty's and District Attorney in conference that she wanted us to adopt and raise baby L. Birthmom doesn't even know this "relative" that has been approved by OKDHS as L's placement. This relative is related by.... Her sister is married to a brother in law somewhere in the family. We have had L in our home for 6 months so we can be heard by a fair hearing as far as why we feel we are wanting to raise her as our own. So.... we goto court Wednesday at 10:30 please pray we know we can only so so much and it is in God's will and we will know whatever the outcome at that point is God's will. I'm praying the DA, Judge, and all the atty's have ears to hear us and how we long to raise her as our own. Family if your reading this and don't know why we have not shared this it is because everything is out of our hands for the most part and explaining over and over again everything is exhausting and nothing is for sure at this point, so we are asking for your prayers and support, questions are hard at this point because we do not have the answers. The big kids have been personally asked their desires as this is a family discision, their wasn't much talk it was unaimiss that we try! We are walking in Faith and pray you will too. Love the Payne family

Miss L turns 6 months!!!!

Well I deliberated with myself to take L somewhere for pictures at 6 months then I decided I had a nice camera so we loaded up and went to my favorite place in Edmond to take pictures! She was such a doll as usual! This baby girl is amazing she is such a blessing and so happy all the time she is a bit spoiled likes to be held a lot but that is completely my fault it's hard not to constantly be holding and loving on her she is just such a good baby and sooooo cute!!!!!

Meeting Miss L's birthmother

Sunday was amazing. L and I headed up to the Prison where her mother stays for now and had a two hour contact vist. L was amazing as usuall and allowed mom to hold her feed her and L even fell asleep on her shoulder. It was precious. We were her first and probally only visitors. Yes she has made many bad choices in life but one thing is for sure she loves her baby! She was nervous as was I, she did a lot of laughing at me because she said she could tell I wasn't used to this type of thing "Prison" yes and I'm glad I'm not used to it. It felt amazing to beable to play a part in making this lady so happy by sharing her daughter with her. I hope that it is a reminder to her of Gods love not that I can compare with God at all!, But to show her that Gods love is unconditional and ever true! Many close friends and family questioned my going but I tried to focus on what God sent his son to die for and that putting everything aside if I was in prison what it would mean to me to see my baby. Thank you God for your never ending Love and protection!

Back to School 2010

My big boy he had the choice to have me take him or ride the bus... well you can see what he picked so glad he returned to Mrs. Tarvers class, this is going to be a great year for our guy!!!
So check out the new house very very bare, still working on many projects but I love that and now I have many hours during the day to do it! :)
Look how sleepy Aaron was but of course he wouldn't stay asleep everyone was up getting ready! Big kids are both at the High School together and I couldn't be happier I Love them being at the same school especially love my son driving, whew what a break I get! And give him gas money and I have one happy teen! just can't believe I remember thinking when they were little someday they will be in high school together Madison a freshman A.T. a Junior so seriously moms don't blink you will miss it!