Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Good/Bad/Indifferent/ Emotional

Without a doubt this has to go down as a time in my/our life that is challenging an emotional time. Seasons.... right well, this has been a long season and looking forward to the change of seasons. I blog because I want to come back and read and learn from what we have gone through. I know that I know that God has a plan, a reason, a goal behind every step that we take, but not knowing ahead is the Hardest part.(Especially for control freak's like me). Also I hope that maybe our story might in someway help someone else going through seasons, as I have learned so much from friends and family.
So court wrapped up yesterday, court specifically for placement for our sweet Lavender. We were called into fostering, helping babies, we were called to adopt, and that in itself seems like the easy part, boy we were wrong.I know, I know God never promised easy... but how hard is it to lavish love on sweet Innocent children? Well the world we live in makes it extremely hard, if it was easy we probably wouldn't have the crisis we have with not enough foster homes not enough adoptive homes especially for the teenagers aging out of the system. The one thing that sticks out in my head from court yesterday well there is a lot; but what I want to share is, both sides agreeing to how lucky and fortunate Lavender is to have two families wanting to raise her as our own and love her. Shouldn't that be the biggest problem society has to many parents not enough children to love on? It just so happens this is our situation, but not the normal in the DHS world. One other point that is very hard for me to not hear ringing in my head over and over is the expert witness testifying on behalf of Lavender and how these kinds of bonds that get broken can affect her negatively for the rest of her life, hearing how she will for sure go through a depression, feeling abandonment and loss of her primary caregiver and her bonds with her siblings. She will most likely start with protesting crying and not eating and sleeping when she cries and I do not come to her, time and time again she will eventually give up and that is when the depression will start. That is when her loss of trust will begin, some more, some less depending on the child/ environment but at her age will for sure go through this in some form, if removed from our home. As a mother this brings me to tears time and time again how can this be in the best interest of her, this exact situation I know there are times like when birth parents get it together or a very close family tie takes the child but not this situation! So now we wait... The judge has said he will have his decision by end of next week, this is because of Lawyers wanting to submit factual findings of the case and all the testimony, since judge made known he would base his decision on the facts of the case. So Lawyers had till this Friday to submit those and then Judge will have the following week.
Came home from court to a child, our son breathing horribly and obviously in distress. Randy had CPA to teach so, I loaded up kids and headed to Mercy after hours. The doctor said, I don't think this breathing treatment is going to do it, you are going to have to head to the ER. Got to the ER and after 2 more breathing treatments and steroids the doctor said if he doesn't improve a lot soon, we will transfer him down to children's. Lots of prayer thank you everyone and after another breathing treatment his breathing started to get much better. By 9:30 we were heading home but stopped at the pharmacy drive through where Aaron started to vomit all over my car, I was able to pull him out where he finished in the drive thru at Walgreen's, Huge smile on his face with chunks all over it he proclaimed, "Mommy I feel better now!" oh good honey, I'm so glad were my words.
Got home safe and sound with a stinky car, shoes and clothes but home, yay!!!!
I had barely made it inside when my 16 year old says,"mom I'm missing a pair of my jeans where are they."! Baby is screaming because mommy had not put her to bed. Okay head on straight went upstairs rocked her to sleep, while my dear husband got Aaron into the bath. That was it pretty much, I felt the prayers as I had a really good night of sleep, Mr. Aaron slept on the floor next to my bed, and Miss L only woke once I just put her passy back in her mouth and zzzzzzzzzzzzzz! Thank you God
As I stated on Face book I'm so thank full that no matter what happens each day, tomorrow is a new day and we get to start fresh again!

I'm going to end this post with a journal entry from three nights ago, because it's 1:00 and I really should take a shower and get dressed before the baby's awake from nap.

Human weakness, cannot explain it any better then those two words. I'm so... I feel so weak, so overwhelmed, God I need you to carry me now. I no longer feel physically strong enought to push through another day. Only by your Grace I know your Grace will help me through. Thank you God for my faith without it now I would feel so alone. Daddy I need you now reveal yourself in mighty ways remind me your will, will be done. So I'm taking another step. goodnight.

But He knows the way I take; when he has tried me, I shall come forth as gold. Job 23:10