Thursday, July 29, 2010

L 's brother and sister

We had a great time getting together with L's brother and sister at Mcdonalds they were in town from GA. I have a pic of the three of them just couldn't find it will post later. I can't get over how fast sweet girl is growing!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Heading to Tulsa just Randy and I

Time for some alone time for our anniversary! Hard rock casino and hotel excited to getaway for the night!!!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Joy in the Peace I feel today! part 4

Court was set for 9 and by 11:45 pretty good feeling we were going to get pushed into the afternoon docket. And we did L's atty. was delayed by another case. Long story short Atty. for L pushed to not move L anywhere yet and she and I had not even talked with her beforehand on my thoughts and feelings. Judge acted like no one needed his permission to move her but DHS ultimately agreed with atty and since time is so short until trial date she is here for now! What is to come well I still have no idea she will pro bally once everyone involved is terminated on she will move onto her permanent home if it's not here (God intervenes) then I will be sad and mourn her loss of being my child but will know that it is Gods plan until then I will just love on her as much as possible!!!!

Monday, July 19, 2010

part 3 of the call

Well time is good time can heal but most of all time gives you a chance to think things completely through. I had an amazing birthday with amazing gifts from my loved ones but the best gift of all is the gift of Peace! Our God is a great God and if we just ask for him, call out to him and then trust and believe with all our heart he will cover you in the peace that you ask for. I am at complete belief that whatever comes about at court on Thursday is no other then Gods plan and what is suppose to be so... How can I argue with that. Will I be sad yes, will I grieve the loss of Miss L most definitely but I'm reminded through prayer that God will comfort me with peace. So in three days hopefully I will have some answers and be ready to take the next day on just as I have been doing day by day. Funny because I mentioned in the last post about not taking anything for granted like how long we have with any of our children or loved ones and then I watched the movie, "Remember Me, and then at church we are in the series at the Movies and "UP" was the movie. Trying so hard to not, 'When this happens, When my life away.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Got the call today part 2

Well when I finally put L down to bed, I took myself and my new journal to bed and cried until I could not cry anymore. My amazing husband came in to a dark room thinking maybe I had gotten sick until he quickly realized what was going on he very calmly sat next to me grab my hand and said, " It's going to be ok". I said I know. He asked me if he could do anything, I said no and he made sure the room was perfect fan ect., more tissue? bathroom light ect. and then left. He knows me so well.

Ok the journal I mentioned was one I had bought for L's birthmom labeled God Comforts You. I found out she could not have it, so it has been sitting on my shelf how ironic that I now find myself needing it when bought for her 1st mom. I decided to write as much as I can to L to let her know someday of our Love for her. So I open it and the first page side notes read this. My life is but a weaving Between my Lord and me, I cannot choose the colors he worketh steadily. Oftimes He weaveth sorrow, And I in foolish pride Forget He sees the upper And I, the underside.... The dark threads are as needful In the Weaver's skillful hand as the threads of gold and silver In the pattern He has planned.

Blessed are those who mourn: for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4

And that is exactly what has happened. I'm reminded once again that every minute every hour every second we have with any of our children our loved ones is a gift from God and I so many times take it for granted. I will choose to live each day one at a time. Court is Thursday and then we will know what they decide.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Got the call today

Got the call today the one I didn't want to get the one to say L relative has been approved. I'm so sad, such a hard very hard thing. What about L's birth mom I know she hasn't made good discissions for her children I know DHS plans to terminate but I have saddness for her, she tells me in her letters God has told her she will get her L back and she has changed and she will continue to work. So whats harder waiting 2 years to hand her over to a mom who maybe has changed maybe not or a relative who desparently wants to have her as her own. Now or latter whats best I could fight I could do everything in my power to keep her here and it might work but for how long????? Will my heart be breaking more because that much more attached if possible then now??? Like when she's saying mama... I want to scream why is this so hard I want to cry! I am crying . Why does everyone say, " I couldn't do that I could never give them up" We don't give them up we mourn the loss the loss of a child whom you have cared for you have been up all night with nutured when sick, they find comfort in your arms this sucks the way I feel!!!! I want to be the child of God I have been called to be and I understand I can't keep all of them and all of the babies I know that would not work but it is so hard to think of saying good bye. How does a mom say good bye. I know I have done it before with sweet A, but time has healed but not forgotten those feelings and now once again I'm just wanting to scream and cry. Can someone get to a place where they can love and nuture until it's time to say good by and then hand over knowing you have completed Gods plan in their life or is it this hard everytime? I feel so torn, I do feel a peace but I feel a hardship for my heart my childrens hearts and birthmothers. Please pray for me tonight that I feel a Peace in the discission that has to be made. So thought I was being so good as I finished the evening so brave so strong but as I rock my baby to sleep the tears cannot stop, I want to memorize her smell, her face, her cries every single thing about her, I don't want to put her down please God make this easier. I know God never promised us easy and look at what he went though for us how selfish it is of me to think of myself I just can't stop I want to be her mother forever. Thank you friends for reading my vent

Monday, July 5, 2010

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Cruise Summer Vacation 2010

Well a lot to say about our adventures deffintly not uneventful to say the least. Who knew we would be taking our first Cruise during Hurricane Alex. Kind of ironic because my late step brother's name was Alex. Aaron enjoyed himself but deffintly was a handfull and a half. We enjoyed Cozamel and The Yucatan the beaches were pretty and the shopping was a blast. The food on the cruise was good the first few days but became not so good in the days following. We spent 24 hours longer then expected on the cruise because we could not port from the Storm. In that 24 hours Aaron went missing from his bed and for 45 minutes I lived a living nightmare he was found under our bed asleep with a mouth full of chocolate! I will let the pictures explain the rest good to be home and love on our L.