Wednesday, August 24, 2016

My feelings, and opinion on Medical Marijuana

    Its been two years since I last blogged, Wow! Well life is busy, full of crazy days and nights so I guess the time slips away until something extremely important, something you want everyone to know and the best way to do that is write. So hear it is. Obviously if you follow me on Facebook you have noticed I'm pro legalizing medical marijuana. So lets just start out right there. First and for most in my life is God, I'm a fully devoted follow of Christ. I believe he was crucified for our sins, rose again and is coming back. I AM a God loving Christ fearing, child of the one true king period. The second in my life is my amazingly supportive husband of twenty five years that yes happens to be a Police Officer who works daily to protect and uphold the law. Then there is our children who have our hearts and as parents will do just about anything for them.  So you get me, which if your reading this you already knew these things about me but it is the basis for why I'm sharing my views and opinions on this matter. I was raised in a traditional Christian home with christian values, I still at 43 put God first, I'm married to a Cop and have four amazing all in their own ways children. Well two are grown, better mention that I do not want them calling and saying mom were not children.  
     So onto the topic. Medical Marijuana, we have a child who has many diagnosis's and has many special needs. I have spent most of his ten years of life chasing after any and all things that could somehow help our child to become the best he can be. When your a mom, you will do about what ever it takes endless doctors appointments, therapies, therapy dog, and yes even medicine when your child cannot function in the home or in the community without them. That being said we have been to several specialists, several schools, several everything in search of help. We have as a family embraced our life with a child with special needs and have adapted fairly well. Our son takes twelve pills a day, a few of them are repeated through the day but yes 12 pills a day. All of which help with some of his symptoms but also hinder a lot as well. The long term side affects of many of his medications look grim and we already see so many that are beginning to look as scary as the symptoms we are treating. So guess what?! Remember that mom who will do anything for her children well, she is constantly online researching trying to find a better solution a better way to treat her son. And when time and time again your faced with articles of children who are having miraculous results in the autism symptoms or their seizure symptoms or adhd symptoms, these studies are proving over and over with child after child, that one natural grown out of our earth plant is providing. How do you not say and think this might be our solution, No harsh side affects slowing my child down, when God knows his brain doesn't need that. The list can go on and on of the side effects we face now.  For any of you reading this and do not know, No the children are not smoking a joint, they do not smell of marijuana, there is a oil based product several actually that are deprived from the plant, we can currently get the cannabis oil but it has to be free of the THC and most autistic children are seeing the amazing results from the cannabis oil with the THC, which is currently illegal in most states including ours.
    The good the bad and the ugly. Yes it goes along with everything in life we live in a sinful world and it doesn't seem to be that we can have good without the bad. Take gun control, guns in the right hands are safe, our law enforcement law abiding citizens who want to protect their home, Hunters who hunt for a sport. Yes there are the crazies who have absolutely no reason to have possession of a gun, and they kill innocent people this horrific tragedy happens daily, God come back soon! Do we then take away ones right to own a gun, because of the bad? So along those same lines leads me to the argument of the "pot heads",  whenever I enter into conversation regarding marijuana peoples defense is legalizing medical marijuana is just making it one step closer for for illegal use and trafficking and selling the drug. It is sad that if there isn't a medical need people would care nothing of a community and only look at it as a profitably gain, leaving behind messes and crap for others to deal with. That's the bad, of it, and I am sure there is more bad. If you know any thing about illegal prescription use and addiction that is very well alive and a huge problem as well.  But you know what not to many people are talking about, at least loudly, prescribed medications including Opiates, Benzos, "legal"crack,antidepressants, seizure medication slowing the brain transmitters down, anti psychotics many of these medications are being prescribed at an all time high while its all legal regardless of the side effects the pro longed addictions. As a mother of a child who needs many of these medications I'm not an any way lashing out at these doctors or companies prescribing and selling I learned a long time ago God made the hands that make the medications and as of now we are in need of these medications so my child can function on a day to day basis in the world we live in. But what if there is something better?? What if this is the answer we have been searching for for almost 10 years? and some families a life time. What if he and other children can have the medication their brain needs with out the harsh side effects? All from a plant that grows. What if when we take away the medications he's prescribed and his brain begins to function borderline again like when he was younger and not on so many meds slowing him down, putting him into the severe range now at 10.   What if?! How can someone deny the proof that is already happening in a few states, and deny so many people who need this medicine for a better quality of life. If your would have asked me 10-12 years ago if I was for this I'm not sure what my answer would have been, so I'm not judging anyone with other perspectives on legalizing Marijuana so if you have not walked in my shoes please don't judge me. I'm not a hippy loving pot head who just wants it legalized, honesty I tried it on my 13 birthday( sorry mom and Dad) I was so sick have never touched or thought of it again. Until now that it is proving to be a natural medicine for children with the same issues we have with our son. 

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Normal is what again?

    Our "normal" in our 40's as we know it now. Before I start in this heart felt blog post I want to let my readers know we had a different kind of normal in our 20's. Let me explain. We had our first child a healthy whooping 8lbs 14 ounces baby boy and 2.5 years later we had a healthy beautiful baby girl. Everything was great, well except for being broke most of the time but most people  are in their 20's. Our family was the American dream family of four, two kids a boy and a girl. They were smart kids, happy most of the time. They behaved in public, they had good manners and listened to their parents, well most of the time. Pretty much routine well child check ups were our experience of the medical field. I had a brief idea about what ADHD was but had never heard of, ODD,SPD, PDD-NOS,ID and so on, as it wasn't  a part of my world at that time. I was vaguely aware that children were born daily with illegal drugs in their systems and a bit about fetal alcohol syndrome but no real in depth of the life changing results this could cause to a fetus. I knew that the world was saying play classical music for your fetus and stay stress free because things of this nature would help your unborn child. Never imagining or thinking of a world where pregnancies were surrounded by drugs and alcohol and domestic abuse along with no prenatal care and poverty. Life in my 20s was fun, exciting, full of classroom parties, walking our children to the small hometown lottery school that they fit so perfectly in. Sleep overs, birthday parties and everything that I imagined what raising two children and being married to my husband would be. Enjoyed the compliments and comments on how well behaved our children were when they went with others, even if sometimes we had struggles at home At least we knew that when away from us they acted well.
    Fast forward 20 somethings years and we find ourselves in our forties. Once again raising a boy and a girl. How hard can it be, we did fairly well the first time this should be a piece if cake right?! This time I'm called mom by two beautiful amazing children, who were born to other woman. This time around we are what's called a trans racial family. Maybe not what most people think of as the American dream looking family, however increasingly on the rise in America. This time around the daily challenges can be exhausting, eye opening and mind blowing most days.  We are every bit a "real" family and love all four of our children unconditionally.
    So fast forward to today. Today like everyday is a brand new day.  Not knowing if it will be a good day or bad day for my 8 year old son. Remember all the abbreviations above well I have become to know what they all mean and then some. There isn't any easy decisions to be made but in fact extremely complex decisions  that I never truly know yet if we're making the right choices for his life. His in utero experience was one I wish no baby would ever have to experience along with genes that didn't give him a head start in life. I often wonder how and why God thought we were equipped to raise his son and then I have to remind myself he will equip us with what we need each step of the way. From doctors to therapists to inpatient to outpatient to IEPs to his behavioral Management his laundry list of medications that all help to make him to be able to function in this world day to day. Not a day, and that is the truth not one day goes by where I'm not questioning our treatment plan or medications nothing about this routine is easy with the exception of unconditional love we have for our son and our determination to do what is best for him.
     Our baby girl our daughter is four, full of life, vibrant in every way. Her first couple trimesters in utero were subjected to drug usage. We are starting to see signs of that with her impulse control and overall hyperactive self. But overall she is one tough and crazy loving little girl.
She as well has our unconditional love!
    So yes, our home is loud. Our children can be completely rude and exhausting at times we are still a work in process with behaviors, impulse control issues. We have learned a completely different type of parenting this time around. One of extreme patience and understanding. Not always sometimes we loose it believe me, but have learned to stay calm, because as we escalate so do the behaviors. We believe in spanking, we believe in removing from situations and we believe in consequences. We are doing the best we can with what we can.
    When we said yes to God's calling in our lives almost 9 years ago we had no idea how it would change and move us. We had no idea that we would be adapting to a new normal as I call it.  We had no idea that most days we would be in survival mode. Life as a family of six has changed us that is for sure. We have had many struggles. But all has brought us closer to each other and closer to our Savior. Without God in our lives and in our marriage we wouldn't have made it.
    Our son has been in a day treatment behavioral program for seven months now. It is time to transition him out and back into the public school system. It's not going to be easy as change good or bad throws him for a loop per say. He is excited and ready for school but will sabotage the very existence of the day he returns because then at least he is in control, in a place where he doesn't know exactly what to expect. Praying that this is minor as his behavioral and coping skills have come far in the past 7 months.
    Why I blog this. If you haven't lived it, you don't know. If you haven't gone down the roads or the paths others have please don't try to explain the scenery. Please don't be quick to speak and if you must speak up with your opinion, please speak life. We like many parents are tired and don't need any negativity. If you truly want to pray for us Pray for wisdom and for guidance down this very unknown path were on.  We know God listens! Some oldies pictures to enjoy! And a couple at the end from our Summer Vacation. These are my babies and even though our life is crazy at times I Love my babies more then life itself!

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Aaron Moses Payne is 8 today!

    February 6 2006 at @2:15 am Aaron Moses arrived into this world via emergency C-section. Umbilical cord wrapped around his neck. The hospital report describes him as blue and floppy,  bagged respiration and began to breath on his own. Born after 9 long months of absolute no prenatal care, and a birthmother positive for opiates in her system. Aaron has been fighting from the second he was conceived. 
At 4 days old he began eating well and maintaining his body temp, when we got the phone call. The phone call our family had been waiting for for 6 long months during the foster care certification process. A baby boy at the hospital needs to be picked up. "When and where?" Was my response . The lady making the call on the other end, said "um
No, you need to ask me questions" . "Ok , what am I suppose to ask?". Nothing really mattered there was a baby who needed a home and this is what we had been waiting for, for what seemed like forever.  Once home with our newest addition, my sadness set in for a birthmother out there who carried this child for 9 months and now he is with me, to be cared for, to be his mommy,that tragedy is hard no mater  what the

The adrenaline, the excitement continued for a few days until the every hour and half wake ups started taking there toll on me. Within  a week the screaming began, started about 4:30 and usually lasted until about 6-7. Once again this precious newborn was fighting, fighting the overstimulated world he was born into . Had I known about sensory issues, and bright lights, and how sounds affected this baby and how tightly swaddling him could have helped, evenings might have been a tad easier for the both of us.  Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. John 17:24 .
At 16 months old, he climbed out of his  crib came down stairs, at 2 climbed a 6 ft fence jumped off back side, and at about 2.5 he began walking out of the house and disappearing. Again running and fighting from a scary world around him, that he had no idea what was going on. Like none of us do, Aaron didn't have a choice on what genetics he would be born with, or the trauma and stress he was induced to in utero, or the fact he was basically born into state custody.
   8 years now have gone by, countless therapies, Doctors, ABC clinic, genetic specialist , developmental pediatrician ,Speech,physiologist,counselors, equine therapy, developmentally delayed programs,  IEPs, behavioral modification program, TA, homeopathic remedies, impatient care, ENTs, surgeries,labs (blood work),neuro physh evaluations, companion therapy dog, allergist, countless amounts of therapeutic equipment, ER visits, all nighters,("What if it takes
1000 sleepless nights to know your near God")and more prayers then you can even imagine.
So should have I asked questions? It would have not mattered nor would have it changed our minds to pick up this newborn who needed a home. Nope God doesn't give you the details, if he would have we would have self proclaimed we were not capable of caring for this child, not financially, not emotionally and we would have most likely said we can't do all that. But along the journey along the path God has been our provider, each step of the journey. Not all up front but as it has been needed. All God asks us to do is say, yes to what he has called of us. And once we walk into Faith, he is good to carry every need through.
I'm not sure about a lot of things, and I will never pretend to be all knowing but I do believe in my heart, what Gods promises are to us.

So I will end with this. Happy Happy Birthday our big 8 year old boy, Aaron Moses Payne. You are the most athletic, handsome 8 year old, I know. So excited to see what God does in your life, I am so proud of the loving heart God gave you! "God what if your trials in this life are Mercies in disguise?"
In you, my God I trust
   Psalm 25:2

Saturday, January 4, 2014

When do you give up hope and cope

When do you give up hope and start to cope? I read that on a special needs forum not to long ago, and although the title inspired me to read the posts because it felt somewhat familiar, in my own life, it also troubled me as well. If you know me you have heard me say "if we believe in God then we believe in miracles and if we don't pray for miracles and believe for them then what do we have."So you know that I'm always praying for miracles. Praying for healing of our son, and believing . But as I clearly know the healing the miracles may come , they may be there but not present themselves as we have envisioned or how we may have hoped for .      I don't believe you can ever give up hope, when its your child! I remember very specifically being emotional one evening when Aaron was just a small baby, I remember specifically crying to Randy, " what if he grows up with all kinds of problems?" "What if and what if", and he said to me," then we will handle them and get him the help he needs."After a long journey of fostering Aaron Moses we finally were able to adopt him and go forward in life never looking back. He is our son and God has chosen us to be his parents, even if we so many times feel completely unequipped for the job.
      Such  a heavy and tired heart tonight. A nice evening up until we got home from church. We enjoyed the movies, dinner (well fast food) and then church.  We are becoming very aware recently that activities in the evening aren't such a good idea. Or are they :-/ . Its a day by day, minute by minute never quite knowing if its going to be a so called fairly normal day or the explosion will happen.
45 minutes of rage. Screaming, threatening, throwing things, biting, hitting, running, and hiding all the while I'm staying calm and praying for the meds that were thrown on the floor then finally negotiated into his mouth to kick in.  They don't after a good amount of allotted time so, time for the next dose, meanwhile daddy gets home so some relief is in store. Thankfully Madison was caring for the girls while this was going down. A blessing in retrospect because generally she isn't home in the early evening hours. Thank Goodness for Randy, I couldn't imagine doing this
( @ 2 years old)
alone and he is amazing with our son. So, my posts my pictures yes they're of the good times the smiles the captured happy moments we have and are so great full to have. I will always cherish these good moments pray for the bad ones and be the proudest mom in town. But please know and be praying for families with children that are special,  Somedays are brutally exhausting and downright hard, but we will never give up our hope. Psalms 71 14 I will never give up hope or stop praising you.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Praying for he Terry's Edmond PD Family

Randy's career as a Police Officer has made me fall in love with him over and over again, always amazing me by the great things he accomplishes and the people who he makes a difference in their lives through being in law enforcement. I consider it a privilege to be a part of the Edmond Police Officer Family. And a honor to be loved by this man!

This man, the man who I share my life with has all of my heart and I can't imagine a day without him. My prayer goes like this this evening ,"God please don't let me take a day for granted that I'm here with my soul mate, help me to remember how short our life is on this earth and remind me that this life is not my own but yours. ~Lord remind me how brief my time on this earth will be. Psalm 39:10
Unimaginable, unthinkable and unbelievable we lost an amazing Edmond Police Detective this evening. Matt Terry. Yes, he was a Edmond Police Officer/Detective but even more close to my heart we shared life together in our Life group together our families. Dinner, thoughts and prayers on various topics, in each others homes with our families children. I know in my heart Matt is in Heaven And in peace. My heart hurts and cries out for his beautiful family his wife Kathy and their daughter Heather. All I can do is sit here and cry and be in disbelief that at only 41 years of life, his life was taken from those he loved and those who love him so dearly.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

If I would have known, would I have done anything different?

   I want to start this post with.. My children's stories are their own personal stories to be shared by them when they are old enough and how they want to share. The very small parts of our daily life here and now are Our stories and hope to share these parts of our lives to further Gods Kingdom.

  We never get the details. Probably because we can't handle the details. " A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so must Love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. John 13:34-35 (straight out of todays talk notes from church)
     Let me just say this, my Friday started out like this, out of nowhere. Out of Lavender's mouth, "Aaron do you have the same tummy mom as me?" Aaron chuckled "NO!". Then we moved on not very significant, because if you know my L she seems to come up with questions a lot.
    Saturday begins with rushing around to go to to two birthday parties, first Aarons biological sisters 16 birthday, then a classmates at the park. The phone rings and it's Mama I, Lavenders Birth Mother. She is in the city and would love to get together to see us (Lavender). I'm like ok but I'm going to have to call you back you see I'm rushing around like crazy trying to get to two birthdays today.
So off we go to to the city to Sisters birthday party and as we walked into the birthday room, who is standing before me no other but Aarons birthmother. Mama A. I have not seen here in 5 years, and I have no idea what my facial expression looked like when I spotted her, I always wondered about this moment but never knew how and when and what it would look like. Here we were. It was now in front of me and I could have hustled my children out and gotten extremely bitter and upset that nobody thought to enlighten me or prepare me for this. But that in a instant didn't mean a thing. It was here it was now and happening and I know that I know that God uses all things to his Glory. That's why I say, " I saw Gods grace and mercy first hand this weekend". It wasn't about me and how I might feel it was about >>Again from talk notes today: Loving People with unconditional Love of Christ. One thing I can't stop doing is that. That people is why we are here what we are called to do, according to Gods plan, not ours.  I will go on to say, how very appropriate she was, and she had no intention of telling Aaron who she was. She stood back watched and smiled. My heart breaking for her to think of how and what types of emotions were going through her. You see it doesn't matter that her sin looks different then any of our sins it to God is the same. Finally came to a point at the party that I said to Aaron,' Do you know who she is?' He said "no?!" I said to him this is your birth mother this is mama A, his facial expression was unexplainable then followed by looking her in the face and saying the 3 words I'm sure she has longed to hear." I Love You", out of his mouth. He continued to look at her and even stare at times. I had no idea how this was going to end but again Gods Grace showed its face and went better then I would have ever expected. It was time to go to head to our next party and Aaron said good bye with a hug, and the since of relief the since of the unknown mystery was gone. I'm sure as he digest this questions will arise, but as for yesterday it was just enough. Just enough for a 7 year old to handle and it was all according to Gods plan.
Towards the end of the evening Saturday night texting was going back and forth between me and Mama I. She now needed to see Lavender tomorrow because she had to catch the greyhound back to Tulsa, to make it to school Monday morning. This put me in a tail spin because nothing was planned out, I'm a planner you see, and obviously that was taken from me early there was no planning in the above story no time to think just time to smile and Live how I believe, not how my earthly mind thinks from time to time. In my prayer time and my unconscious time, I'm thinking in my head,  really?? What's going on God? Ok so fast forwarding I agreed to meet Mama I in the hood, completely outside my comfort zone but I remained smart, at least I told myself that. It had to be a public place, I made my teenage daughter go along and had a back up plan that included a bottle of mase in my purse. Our visit went well and got to see my baby girl smile and love on mama I and talk about how much they looked alike. When leaving Lavender wanted to know why Mama I didn't have a car and why was she walking? Lavender said, "maybe sometime Mama I can ride in our car" I told her that would be amazing and maybe someday that can happen. For now for today Lavender knows that Mama I needed to get back to her school to get an education to get a good job and be able to buy a car. And that is enough for now. I'm sure, oh how I'm ever sure there will be lots more questions out of out 3 year olds mouth but for today, today was good.
So hello!! What was all this about heavenly father? Because as my good friend said to me ,I got to pick myself up off the floor now. Well it surely wasn't about me, but maybe a bit of teaching to me. you see the last week I have been struggling greatly about a word. A word called "Restoration".
I have been a little, ok a lot upset about how this word can be misconceived. I keep hearing HOPE, HOPE is anything that can give someone just that HOPE. It can be a hug, a gift, it can be positive words to build up and not tear down and when there's Hope anything is possible ANYTHING! Chains can be broken, cycles and addition can be set free Hope gives and enables restoration, I feel that Hope and Gods Grace sit before Restoration in the word chain and I found myself wrapped up in the thought process of this, daily for a week now! And guess what, its gone. because it doesn't matter, its just a word. And it's not what anyone thinks, it's what and how you believe and what God has called you uniquely to do with this life. It's not ours it is his and we are all called for a purpose and when you stop trying to know all, know what tomorrow looks like that's when the true blessings come down and that is when God is saying Well Done Child, Well done. 

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Look Who's Three!

 Crazy about this particular 3 year old, she's Loved for sure, as sassy as can be!
 Always Silly! Extremely intelligent...

    Very Sincere! Gorgeous in every way! She will choose a salad with ranch over a bowl of ice cream, Dora is still her favorite show to watch, She will haul off and hit big brother Aaron but will cry and hug him in remorse. Smart as a whip, very strong willed, independent Little Miss!

     Around 3 years ago we got the call, the call that would forever change our lives. Little did we know Gods plan then. The call was a DHS worker who had a 2 week old baby girl, she was in a emergency foster home and needed a foster home.    I WAS ELATED WITH EXCITEMENT, and accepted the placement and within only a few hours she arrived, at our home.
    Quickly and madly in Love we fell. It wasn't a smooth ride through our adoption journey with Little Miss, but  it was orchestrated exactly how our heavenly Father knew it would be and in the end Gods plan could not be thwarted. It's hard for me to see my baby turning into more of a little girl everyday, and I know all too well how fast this time goes by. So we cherish every moment.
    Lavender Grace, I will admit when she first arrived we said, "Lavender"? Is that really her name. But within weeks her name was her in every way.  It's a precious gift that her birth mother gave to her and their could never be a more beautiful name for her, and if when she sees anything that is remotely purple she says,'Hey that's my color!"
   Things that need to be accomplished in the real near future... We need to potty train, and find a way to loose the pacifier, but I'm not to worried as I know we will not show up for kindergarten in diapers and if we have to we can leave the passy at home :)