Got the call today

Got the call today the one I didn't want to get the one to say L relative has been approved. I'm so sad, such a hard very hard thing. What about L's birth mom I know she hasn't made good discissions for her children I know DHS plans to terminate but I have saddness for her, she tells me in her letters God has told her she will get her L back and she has changed and she will continue to work. So whats harder waiting 2 years to hand her over to a mom who maybe has changed maybe not or a relative who desparently wants to have her as her own. Now or latter whats best I could fight I could do everything in my power to keep her here and it might work but for how long????? Will my heart be breaking more because that much more attached if possible then now??? Like when she's saying mama... I want to scream why is this so hard I want to cry! I am crying . Why does everyone say, " I couldn't do that I could never give them up" We don't give them up we mourn the loss the loss of a child whom you have cared for you have been up all night with nutured when sick, they find comfort in your arms this sucks the way I feel!!!! I want to be the child of God I have been called to be and I understand I can't keep all of them and all of the babies I know that would not work but it is so hard to think of saying good bye. How does a mom say good bye. I know I have done it before with sweet A, but time has healed but not forgotten those feelings and now once again I'm just wanting to scream and cry. Can someone get to a place where they can love and nuture until it's time to say good by and then hand over knowing you have completed Gods plan in their life or is it this hard everytime? I feel so torn, I do feel a peace but I feel a hardship for my heart my childrens hearts and birthmothers. Please pray for me tonight that I feel a Peace in the discission that has to be made. So thought I was being so good as I finished the evening so brave so strong but as I rock my baby to sleep the tears cannot stop, I want to memorize her smell, her face, her cries every single thing about her, I don't want to put her down please God make this easier. I know God never promised us easy and look at what he went though for us how selfish it is of me to think of myself I just can't stop I want to be her mother forever. Thank you friends for reading my vent